I know I know I know

I know it could all be worse. So much worse. Just Google search for images of “RA hands” or “RA nodules” or “RA feet”. My hands still look normal, even if they don’t always feel that way. I think I may be developing a nodule on my left wrist but I’m too scared to ask my rheumy, so I’m going to pretend that I’m just imagining it. My feet are shaped like shovels, hurt most of the time and even my size 8 wide-fits are getting depressingly snug, but at least they still look like feet. Big fat feet, yes, but they’re not twisted, gnarled messes.

But after seeing my rheumy two days ago and finding out that my ESR count is back on the rise again (50% higher than it was six weeks ago), and some other blood count is back in the ‘danger zone’, I’m just so effing fed up with all this.

Because of the test results, he wouldn’t reduce the bollocking steroid dosage. So the steroid bloat and sugar cravings continue. And every time I catch a glimpse of myself sideways in a mirror and realise that I am actually shaped like a barrel, I want to have a massive blubbing tantrum and smash everything I can lay my hands on.

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